Life slowed down for a few weeks... A good oppertunity to reflect. I've always had trouble with my own self identity despite a readily accessable and quite efficient anylitical facit to my personallity. I don't ponder as often as I once did, but I still like to sit and think of things in the most objective terms possible and play with various conclusions I can draw and compare them to my impulsive judgements etc. However I've always come to an impass when attempting to see myself in this light. I think I may have a bit more insight now. I've was insecure for a large portion of my life. I drove myself into a state of absolute inactivity and extreme ineffecientcy for quite some time... followed by a state where the same self criticsm drove me to better myself, but because the root of all my motivation was tearing myself to the most insignificant terms possible through over-analysis, I didnt give a fuck about myself, so I traded off between fucking my life up, expanding effort in immense proportions and in with drastic speed to improve myself. I'll rebuild my life, all at once... new job, new hobbies, etc. then decide that isnt my 'real' self and abandon it all. It really makes me laugh more than anything in reflection. I'm not that worse off for it, I've learned some shit, and I'm phyically in fairly excellent condition... Now I find that all that is positive in my life came out of ripping myself down constantly. Hahaha the irony is crushing! This in mind, I'll continue my endevor to better myself in the very same aspects, along the same avenues, but I dont want my life to stand as a "reaction" to a bunch of belittling bullshit or to make some female happy or whatever my extremely depresive motivation of the moment is, but rather a global contentment. Why not just find wrap myself in progress like a warm blanket and let it put a little smile on my face forever more? Fuck what other people think, and fuck the minor setbacks. They may be troublesome from time to time, but I think there's more satisfaction in overcomming them than in the actual damage they cause. Tomorrow is forever on the horizon, if one cannot appriciate its beauty, they're doomed to an ugly existance.